Back to Work

Well, I am back to work after a wonderful week with my son. I had a really hard time with it last night, but I am doing much better with it now that I am here. I just keep telling myself....9 weeks until summer and I can be with him for 10 weeks straight! Thank you for all of the support that I received. I really appreciate it!

Longing to stay home...

Well, this is a little out of order time wise...I was going to try to work my way up to now (13 mos.), but I just needed to vent a little bit. As I mentioned in my profile, I am a high school Enlgish teacher. Let me just say, I LOVE my job. I have the best co-workers and wonderful students. I know that I am lucky because I really do enjoy myself every day. That is one of the joys of working with kids I guess, is that they keep it fun and interesting! Well, that being said, as much as I love my job, I am finding it harder and harder to leave him. I hate knowing that he has this whole other life that doesn't involve me. (At the sitters.)

I am on Spring Break this week, and it has really got me thinking. Does he hug her this many times a day? Not because I am jealous, I just want to know he is getting all of the affection that he needs/deserves. Does he always smile and laugh this often? And why, WHY do I have to miss it? What does he think when I leave him every day?? He can't possibly understand at his age that I have no choice...does he take it personal?? I have the most wonderful sitter, and she really seems to love him, but as I watch him napping on the video monitor, I am typing this in tears because I want to know WHY I can't be one of this women who get to stay home with her kids. Call me old fashioned, but when I am home with him over breaks, I really feel like this is where I am supposed to be! Unfortunately, it isn't an option for me....Unless my husband miraculously starts making $50,000 more than he makes now. :-)

I know that if a mother HAS to work, I have one of the best jobs for it. I am off all summer and frequently throughout the year, but that still doesn't change the fact that I have to pay someone $600 a month to do the one thing I WANT to do. I guess I am just feeling a little sorry for myself right now, but how could I not....I try to be one of those people who puts humor into all of her stresses in life, but I am having a tough time doing that today.

The First Month

I have two words for you: SPINAL TAP. Thank God Brian never needed one, but when I left the hospital I was told that if his fever went above 100.4 before 3 months, they would have to do a spinal tap. (He struggled with regulating his own temp and blood sugar, which is what landed him in the NICU for 6 days.) This sent me into a world wind of panic. I wanted everyone to come and see my beautiful son, but I didn't want anyone to come too close to him. I didn't want to chance him getting sick! Understandably, not too many people were keen on just coming over to SEE him, they all wanted to hold him, kiss him, snuggle him...heck, my mother-in-law kept kissing his hands that he always stuck in his mouth..HELLO, DID YOU MISS THE WHOLE I DON'T WANT HIM SICK PART?!?! Poor woman, it was her first grandchild and she just wanted to love on him, not her fault her daughter-in-law is a freak of nature.

For the first 3 weeks of his life, I slept with him in his popazan chair While I slept on the couch with the light on. I needed to do this so that I could open my eyes and see him at any moment. (Like I said, freak of nature.) It was March, and a cold March at that, so this was the only way that I was comfortable covering him up...the chair put him at an angle, so if I covered him up and put his arms over the blanket he was safe right? (I wasn't sure, hence the light being on.) After about 3 weeks my husband got sick of being the only one in a California King size bed that was clearly built for two...so baby and I ventured into the bedroom...

It was also in this first month that he became colicy. I had never heard of colic...my mother asked me if he was and I responded with "Isn't that some kind of spice?" I learned very quickly, that it is not. At about 5 pm he would begin crying hard and non-stop for about 4-6 hours. My husband and I took turns, but the poor guy worked all day and I was still on maternity leave. I went through all the typical stresses....am I not a good mother? Is he in pain? Is he sad? Why is he crying so much!?!? I just want to enjoy him, but instead he cried fot 5 hours on end.....and so did I.....

THE LOVE IS TERRIFYING!

I had pushing for almost four hours...fighting the good fight...determined to get this kid out. Then it happened. She held him up and all that I could think was how long and beautiful he looked. Then they brought him to the little table and told me he was having trouble breathing. That is when the fear really started. Well, I guess the fear really started during pregnancy, but this is the real fear...the fear that has a face. I was in love with him instantly, therefor terrified instantly.

I was so scared the six days he was in the NICU...is he eating enough, is he being held enough, does he feel loved enough, did that IV hurt to put in, does it hurt now?? Then they finally let me bring this amazing child home...and the fear continued. Is he warm enough, eating enough, being changed enough? Please don't let him stop breathing in his sleep! Should I get him a blanket?? It is March you know! Does his circumcision still hurt? Is he burping enough? Do any of the 30 people that have come to see him have ANY kind of cold or sickness? Did they Purell their hands?

So, this blog is for all the high anxiety mothers trying to live in a laid back world! I want you to know...you are not alone!